I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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