I think my fart just growled at me.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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