he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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