Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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