so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
