So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
