just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
