You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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