So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
