To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize