i may or may not be watching the land before time
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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