my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
lol hangovers are for mortals.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
