I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
