your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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