dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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