I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
