Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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