Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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