I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You are the jesus of drinking
I need to align my fucking chakras
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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