dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
