My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
