my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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