Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
