we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
