Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
