There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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