Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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