I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
