I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
