If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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