ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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