Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
