Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
