theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
