My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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