I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
