High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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