I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
