I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
