As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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