You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
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We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
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It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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