he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
