4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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