I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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