I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
