she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
