I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
