I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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