I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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