I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize