i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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