I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
