His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's blow job season.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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