life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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