Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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