Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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