Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
