it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
