It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I bet he comes in French.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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