he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She bit a glass in half.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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