They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
