areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
