Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
