my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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