i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
