After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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