Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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