Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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